been away too long

I completed a 5 mile run last night. period. I say it like this because this is one of only a few runs thus far that did not result in some sort of funny/interesting story. Although I do have to say that I chose a beautiful time of the evening to head out (7pm) and an equally beautiful route through Riverfront Park on up to INDABA where the hubs was pulling a late nighter. I also got the chance to run into Rachel, however, and two very flamboyant men with the cutest little Corgy dog that "loves women" they say.

**************************************************
So here's the deal:
I've found myself crazy-busy (but not too crazy to run my miles...or most of them anyway) and at the same time out of ideas and motivation to write on this here blog...it wasn't until Nikki told me she missed my blogs that I thought, "Hey-that means they're being read! Woot!" So here I am, with a little help from my friends.

**************************************************

I have a confession...wait, it's more like a frustration...from someone (me) who is at her wits end. If you read what I have to say in the next few sentences and you for some reason decide NOT to agree with me then I'd say you are part of the problem and not part of my solution and you are NOT being helpful to me in any way, shape or form especially if you try to tell me that I'm my worst critic. okay? okay. Deep breath, here goes...
However you may feel comfortable saying it, I am fat, chubby, "Big boned"(my mom's nice way of saying it), healthy (in a size 16 kind of way), Obese (according to any BMI or Weight Watchers scale) and waaaay over it. Now is not the time for you to try to make me feel better about myself because I have a great self esteem and I know that my weight doesn't define me and it surely doesn't slow me down...I just know what I know and I know how to fix it but if I'm surrounded by folks who tell me that I look no different now than I did 2 years ago, I get annoyed...because they're lying.

Here's a bit of history.
I've been 'chubby' all my life. Not chubby enough to be consistently teased...but when people needed to find a reason to be mean to me, that was the most common route taken. My mom always eased the pain by saying "you're not fat, just big boned" and she'd proceed to pile on the mac n' cheese. But in high school, I thinned out enough to be 'ok' to be seen in a short cheerleading uniform and I was praised for not having 'cottage cheese' legs. Then, a few years out of high school I landed a great desk job (same one I have now) which means I sit. Alot. And I gain.

3 1/2 years ago, I joined Weight Watchers and in the course of 6 months and with a lot of help from some super fit friends who comitted to workout at the gym with me during the wee hours of the morning at least 4 times a week, I lost 30 lbs. This was also combined with friends (like Bubbs) who jumped at the chance to support me by helping me make good choices because it also benefitted her and her 'get fit' goals. I felt awesome, I looked great in my own eyes (which not many women will ever be able to say about themselves) and I was healthy in a size 10-12 kind of way. I had no real desire to go any further with my weight loss but maybe toning up a bit and squeeze into a size 8 would have been nice.

But then life happened.

Many elements contributed to the eventual regaining of said 30 lbs and that's where I have been since about November of 2010. Things like stress, changing gyms which took me away from my fit friends because I found a gym closer and cheaper, dropping weight watchers because I needed to pinch pennies and create time in my days for my wedding, dropping out of TriFusion because I could no longer afford that kind of active lifestyle and it was taking a toll on my ego, the addition of birth control and it's tendencies to pour on extra poundage, the addition of heart medication that makes it hard to do any kind of physically strenuous activity for too long, giving myself the 'ok' to eat the entire meal when we go out or to go back for seconds (a big 'no-no' in weight watchers), just being married...oh and much, much more.

At the beginning of this year, I decided I needed to have a goal: to train for and complete the Portland Marathon on October 9th. The goal was not weight loss focused but weight loss was to be the icing on the cake. The problem? I'm now 2 months away from the race and logging 30+ miles per week and not one single pound has been lost. Frustrating? Oh hell yes. We're talking approximately 1 1/2 hours a day, at least 4 days a week of exercise and NOTHING. It's disheartening, really, and I'm at a loss.

Just recently, I had to break down and buy new, larger scrub pants for work because my old ones from 2 years ago no longer fit. I know I do not fit into my jeans anymore and all I wear are loose, cotton clothes because I'm tired of feeling confined and like I'm bulging at the seams. And I'm not being 'too hard' on myself...I'm being real with myself. I owe it to me to figure out what to do next. I'm worth the work and I'm sad that I let myself get back to where I was when I first started WW. But it doesn't mean I can't get back there. It took me 6 months last time and it was a lot of hard work and hard decisions; alot of hard conversations and reality checks. I know I can do it again so what is stopping me?
Every time I see a picture of myself I cringe...the latest? I did you a favor an posted it for you below!

It's a bit difficult to see, but if you check out my gut flopping around under and out of my shirt, you'd understand the negative attitude. I am a bit embarrassed but not enough to not post this...because it is yet another reality check.

So it is about time to start a new goal:
'BACK TO BUFF ME'. One may wonder what that means? Well, I've done yet another favor and posted 2 pictures of what I was like at the peak of my fitness/weightloss before the steady downfall.

 Oh yes, look at those guns! Aaaand I'm pretty proud that my tummy, though still 'thick', is flat!

This suit? I don't even want to try to get into it...I KNOW it doesn't fit anymore! But look! No bulging skin!







Now for the plan:

Well, that's not totally true. I have ideas...just which route should I go? More thoughts to come...