logic and the heart

Logic tells me that "it's just a cat"...but my heart says she's been my buddy since I was 15...

No matter how much Salem longed for it, Misty never wanted anything to do with her.  Sassy girl.

I took Misty to the vet last night to find out my options for her, either a medication to stop vomiting and diarrhea or putting her down. She's been vomiting on and off for a while now but recently she's decided diarrhea is a good thing to add to her issues. If she were human, I'm sure she'd be gone by now with the symptoms she has. The vet said she has all the signs that point to a tumor inside her intestines and a CT scan would tell for sure...but I can't see spending $275 to tell me something I can't do anything about. They offered many tests($$$) and options(medication $$) but all pointed to the inevitable...her quality of life probably will not improve.   In hindsight, I probably should have just had them put her down last night while I was already there and in tears...but selfishly, I wanted a few more nights of cuddling. Bobby said he woke up last night to find me fast asleep with the Misters laying on my belly. I think this sight is what prompted him to consider at least trying medication. I, on the other hand, know that it won't put an end to the actual issue. So the humane thing to do is euthanasia. Now if I could just muster up the guts...

Post Portland Blues

There's something about big events in a person's life that, once they've come to completion, creates a sort of void. Like the works of any masterful orchestra and it's conductor, the music plays...a few woodwinds and strings whimsically sway you...the brass teases...the percussion lightly hints at what may come...then the build up to the climax-where-every-instrument-is-being-utilized-and-your-whole-being-is-engulfed-in-the-enormity-of-it-all-until-you JUST.CAN'T. STAND IT....

and then it halts...like you just ran into a brick wall.

You might hear a few flutes, bells, and chimes but for the most part, you're left longing. Longing for the next climactic event and the energy, attention and thrills that come with it. The unknowns, the variables, the learning opportunities...endless physical, mental and emotional stimulation...

I think I have just described the inner workings of an adventure junkie.

Now, I'm not a junkie, this is for sure. But reviewing in my mind the Portland Marathon and all the training, learning and sometimes suffering I experienced made me realize that once it was over...it was over. That's it. No encore.

Huh. Bummer.

Nobody really cares about the after-effects of a marathon. The blisters, the exhaustion, the weakened immune system that has kept you under the weather for forever... But the many conversations I've had about training, learning and the new experiences are like the orchestra...the stimulation. The marathon was the climax, and the week after was the abrupt halt or proverbial brick wall...which now leaves me longing.

So..."Now what?", is the question I wrestle with. What's the next big thing? Do I go bigger? Do I go smaller (distance-wise) but more often? Do I try something different? Something not even to do with any form of exercise? Something like school or a mission trip or...or...

Time to find an answer to that question!

Portland Marathon

I decided to risk sounding like a credit card commercial. Here goes...

THE NUMBERS (approx)
Registration fee= $145
2 pair of running shoes= $200
fuel belt and GU gels= $175
one night at the Double Tree Hotel= $120
travel expenses and food= $150
miles logged for training= 700+

The joy felt at mile 13 of 26.2...breathtaking.
The overwhelming sense of accomplishment while crossing the finish line after 26.2...PRICELESS.

The journey started with a thought. A thought that I had never done something out of pure intentionality. I remember running races, finishing triathlons and completing projects not because I desired to do them, but because I jumped on someone's bandwagon. So on February 15th I financially and mentally committed to the completion of the Portland Marathon. I asked my friend Kathi to help me drum up a training plan and then I asked a couple gals if they'd like to join me in my endeavor. The training plan came through and worked wonders although I suffered a bit of burn-out in the end...running became a forced thing and not a thing I enjoyed. The two gals? Well, one was all talk so when it came to signing up, it was a no-go. The other signed up, paid the money, did a few months of training but when it came down to the day of the race, well, I have no clue what happened. Needless to say, I did this journey physically alone (careful to say 'physically' because I had many supporters and cheerleaders!). I can only think of a few times I had a running buddy but for the most part, it was a lonely journey...all the way down to the big event.

Bobby and I set out for Portland early Saturday morning. Of course, we had to stop at Franks Diner for a good protein filled breakfast and then Indaba for fuel for the road.

Once we checked in to our hotel, we made a crazy kind of beeline for the marathon's trade show and packet pick-up. For a routine I've never experienced in a city I've rarely navigated, I fared pretty well...with Bobby's help of course (if it wasn't for his gaming abilities, I'd get lost in the city!). After we picked up all the info needed, we walked the couple blocks to the location of my wave start and then to the location of the start/finish line. It was quite a delight to run into the passionate folks camped outside the Justice building for Occupy Portland. It was interesting to see the difference between Occupy Spokane vs. Portland. Lets just say you can tell Spokane is a much smaller and less liberal community.

I wondered how the protesters were going to affect the marathon since they were camped in the very same park we were supposed to finish at but I was put at ease when I saw these signs.


















After a cuppa joe in a cute little shop we settled on a movie (The Ides of March) and then headed back to the hotel for dinner (Salmon and a few yummy sweet potato tots) and much needed rest. I laid out all that I was going to need for my early morning and was delighted to see what Bubbs had put together for me...a homemade card with great words of encouragement, recovery goodies and tattoos! I had also brought the card I got from Nikki to remind me that I am tough...a bulldog on a poodle skirt, that's what 'tough' is! ;)















And then, sleep. But I didn't do much of that. I tossed and turned...pillows sucked, bed was way too soft, and the latino couple across the way decided our whole floor needed to hear their relational issues. I remember waking up at 12:30am and being excited that I had a few more hours to sleep. I also remember waking up at 1:45 in a panic because I feared I had slept through my alarm. Then again at about 3:30 for the same reason...but that time, I stayed awake...for an hour...because 4:30 is the time I needed to wake up in order to leave and be at the start by 6am (which is what event organizers suggested...but in retrospect, I didn't need to be there til closer to 6:45). I know it seems like a long time to get ready to run...but I have a routine and if I don't get started early, bad things happen...promise.

So Bobby shuttled me to my wave corral (which, to my dismay, I was notified I was placed in with the walkers...I didn't know I had planned to be that slow!). It was here that I got emotional...just before getting out of the car I realized I was on my own now, with thousands of strangers. Could I really do this? I wouldn't have anyone with me to push me or give me words of encouragement and once I joined others in my wave, I saw so many pairs or groups of people running this thing with their buddies or running partners or spouses. I guess I didn't get the memo that I was supposed to not do this alone or something. So there I stood, for an hour, alone in the middle of a crowd. This gave me a lot of time to think...which is when I realized I was missing nearly half of my fuel I had planned for the course. FAWESOME. I accidentally left it in the car...my emotions apparently clouding my memory. I heard there would be gummy bears and such along the course and concluded that they would have to fill the void.

My first pang of joy came when the national anthem was performed...at first causing a great silence within the crowd and then an eruption of hoots and hollers...glorious! Before long, we were moving to the start.

7:26am found my foot crossing the starting line reminding me much of Bloomsday. I had to walk a bit before I felt I had enough room to actually run. I waited to put my earbuds in so I could soak up the atmosphere and the first of many bands along the course. Once the earbuds were in and my music going, I was oblivious to any other noises. I found myself a rhythm and away I went. I thought I should hash out a plan. Should I run 2 miles, walk one? Should I run two songs' worth and walk one? How was I going to do this? (note: most people plan this out before they cross the starting line...those people are smart.) Within 30 minutes, my IT band decided to rear it's ugly head. I refused to let it get me down though so I ignored it. Laa La La... I tried looking for mile markers and realized I must be missing them due to the volume of people on the course. It wasn't until mile 5 that I saw my first sign...and I had been running for a whole hour straight (except water stations). This is worth mentioning because during my training I never could run a whole hour without becoming bored and walking. I took inventory and decided I felt great (still ignoring my IT band issue) so I kept at it. Next mile marker I found? Mile 10...almost exactly 2 hours in which puts me somewhere around a 12 min. mile pace. WOOT! By this time, even though it was raining, my insides were stoked because I felt amazing (and, I spotted my friend's roomie, Jaime) From here on out, I saw just about every mile marker since the crowd was thinning a bit. I couldn't have been more happy to see mile 13...the halfway point. I was elated to know I was feeling as good as I was at such a distance all the while STILL FREAKIN' RUNNING!!! Are you kidding me?! I've never run 13 miles straight! I decided I may have been inspired by the crowd and moving along with their pace...ok whatever works! (suck it, IT band!!)

Then, mile 16. it was at this point that the 2 mile hill I had been warned about began. I gave myself permission to walk it. Little did I know that a portion of the hill was the St. John bridge. Man, I wished I had a camera as I cannot begin to explain the grandness of this bridge in comparison to the tiny runners crossing it. It was phenominal. Oh. My. Goodness. At mile 18 I remember seeing in the distance the city I was supposed to finish in, questioning how the heck I was going to get back there in 8 miles? EIGHT MILES? I only have EIGHT miles?! Holy crappola! I saw somewhere along this part of the course my favorite spectator sign of them all, "Chuck Norris never ran a marathon!" Hells yea! By this time I had resorted to the 'run two songs, walk one' strategy which carried me through until mile 22 when my calves decided to make it known that they were fed up with this treatment. Then my thought was, "I'll run whenever I friggin' feel like it, GOSH!" Mile 24 found me spying my watch...I had approximately 35 minutes to finish under 6 hours...so I did what I know best...I shuffled. A shuffle is not a run or a walk...not even a jog really...feet barely come off the ground but they're quick steps...these quick steps got me to mile 25 where I took out my earbuds to once again, soak in the atmosphere. People were cheering me on by name (I forgot my bib had my name on it! haha!) and my shuffling increased. I got within 5 blocks of the finish and realized I would make 6 hour mark after all! I picked up more speed when I knew I was within 2 blocks and I felt so good it was as though I had just started running!  I saw Bobby cheering me on with a box of Voodoo Doughnuts (that was my only request from him at the end...I wanted a Voodoo doughnut). I rounded the corner, passed over a timing strip that I assumed would register my name for the announcer and sure enough as I passed over the finish line, I heard my name announced as a finisher of the 2011 Portland Marathon.




 I am no longer a marathon virgin and I am so very proud of myself. I don't like to toot my own horn but I am in love with the fact that I did this...and had an amazing experience to boot! 

Here's the ending numbers:
Start time: 7:26am
@10km, 8:41am, 12:03 pace
@8.6mi, 9:11am, 12:42 pace
@Half, 10:07am, 12:18 pace

@17.5mi, 11:12am, 14:51pace

@20mi, 11:51am, 15:50 pace 

@21.1mi, 12:11pm, 18:08 pace 

@26.2mi, 13:31 pace

Finish time: 1:20pm, and a total time of 5 hours, 54 minutes. 

Thank you to all who encouraged me along the way!

 

T Minus 3

T-minus 3 days before the marathon...so I thought I'd give anyone who's been following for whatever reason an update. Or, for my own benefit, so that I can remind myself of all the times I wanted to do something that would take a good bit of commitment only to result in utter distaste.

My first example should have been when I did the Seattle to Portland bike ride. I literally hated my bike for a good three months afterward and to this day, I find myself giving that thing the cold shoulder. I'm talking a good 3 years of frustration!

So here I am, less than a week away with my longest run being 4 miles and my shortest, 2. I don't want to do them. My mind gives a ho-hum "why bother" kind of thought and, combined with the recent turn of the weather, presto! I'm reaching for a good book instead. Frustrated about an aggravated IT band and gnarly blisters on my toes, I found myself studying the YMCA class schedule because I'm excited to do just about anything other than running. But for so long I wanted to consider myself to be a runner and now...well...I think I'm over it. I hope it's a temporary thing though... I do want to keep doing some good, long events but definitely nothing like a full marathon. The 5-8 mile distance seems to suit me great so maybe I'll consider myself a runner who is o.k. NOT going the distance. hehe.

So, note to self:

SELF, IF IT TAKES 6+ MONTHS TO PREP FOR, YOU'LL HATE IT BY THE TIME YOU CONQUER IT.

Wonder if this note will stick.

almost done, hun.

This Sunday will mark my longest run in my training for the Portland Marathon. 20 miles. Let me remind you that my runs do not necessarily mean I run the entire time...I'm simply running as much as I can and then doing my best to imitate a speed-walker otherwise...hip swing and all!

Initially, I wanted to complete the marathon course within 6 hours' time but now that I've done a few long run/walks, I'm thinking that unless I have a burst of intense energy and stamina, that goal is not going to work for me. I'm thinking, after some calculation and personal speculation, that while I may get close to my 6 hour goal, I think 6 1/2  hours might be more realistic. I can run a sub 11 mile on a continuous basis, but once I get tired of running, my speed walk brings me to a sub 14 mile pace...and once I'm tired of speed walking, I'm reduced to a normal walk of around 15 min. miles. If I walked the entire course at 15 min/mile pace, I'll finish before the 7 hour mark...which is good to think about. At least I can tell Bobby that I should be no later than 2pm before we can head home! (poor guy...I feel bad for him...waiting around for his slow wife to finish a race that will cause her to complain probably the whole way home...)

I'm glad I know this now...I'd feel really silly if I went into this race thinking I'd finish like a speed demon. But then again, who knows? Adrenaline from other runners and matching their paces may bring me to a faster finish...I've heard that it happens.

I had a chance to chat with Kathi, the lovely lady who has helped me along with my training plan and little tidbits of support via emails and atta girls at the office. I let her know I was coming up on my long run and she mentioned that she would have loved to run part of that with me if she were only in town. This thought felt weird to me, having someone run with me, because I think throughout this time of training I might have only been able to share maybe 6 miles with someone. Starting this spring, I've covered nearly 700 miles...alone. This may sound kinda sad, but there's been a great many miles of clarity and reflection, prayer time and some 'aha!' moments so I'm not bummed. It sure made things difficult when I wanted to go hang out with friends or sleep in because I didn't have an accountability buddy. Sometimes friends and/or sleep won out but I'm happy to say it didn't happen too often.

All this to say, I'm anxious, excited, scared...and I cannot wait to have that Portland Marathon shirt and medal....oh, and the tree sapling, of course!

postcards

It was the summer of 2000. I was on my way to YoungLife's week long camp called Malibu. Though I had heard many stories regarding what I would anticipate during the week, the resounding phrase was, "It will be the best week of your life." Lo and behold, 11 years and a marriage later, it's still been ''the best week of my life'' (sorry, Bobby).

Let me explain. This week away wasn't just an experience. It was life changing! I grew closer with a few gals from my school, I was loved on by Cheryl, Molly and Tria (our leaders), I experienced adrenaline pumping adventures like never before and most importantly, I found Jesus. I don't mean "I found Jesus" as though he was hiding in the bushes somewhere...but what I mean is, I was stripped away from all that was distracting and planted right in the middle of one of the most gorgeous places on this planet. Here, I not only saw the beauty that is God all around me, but I felt it from my leaders, friends, and even the camp work crew and staff who didn't even know me but worked tirelessly so that I would "have the best week of my life". "Who is this God that is such awesomeness?" I was amazed, encouraged, and ultimately completely enveloped in and by the love that was shown to me that I could no longer deny this God. I wanted that relationship that I was being told about. I wanted that 'something more' that would fulfill the longings and desires of my heart. I wanted to know God.

So I left camp on what's called a 'camp high'. I felt on top of the world even though I had been warned that the real world may come crashing back at me...and it did. But not before I had the opportunity to solidify relationships with my leaders and the friends who came along and who ultimately would serve as my mentors and who took great pride in discipleship.

On the bus ride home, I remember filling out a post card to an anonymous donor. Those who gave money to make "the best week of my life" possible. I don't remember what I wrote but I'm sure it said something to the effect of finding Jesus and 'thank you' for 'the best week of my life'.

I went on to lead high schoolers through the same experience, adrenaline pumping craziness and post card writing for the next 10 years. It was during this time that my faith grew the most. Contrary to popular belief, teens are awesome and no matter how punkish they can be, there's so much to them and so much that they go through that I feel they've blessed me more than I ever could them during our time together. I've watched some from middle school all the way through college and on to marriage and building a God centered family. I've watched some follow their calling and dive right into the missions field and I've watched some follow in our footsteps and become YL leaders themselves. What joy!

Then last year, I decided to take an unknown amount of time off from leading. The biggest reason is my marriage. I didn't know how I was going to work full time and lead YL and still have enough quality time left in my day for my new husband. Initially, I thought I'd only take one year off, but now, with September right around the corner, I don't feel God telling me that YL is where I need to put my energy right now. That said, I made sure I wasn't too far from my fellow Younglifers by opting to give part of my monthly tithe to them and to participate in as many functions and fundraisers as I can. This summer, like every summer, donors received a post card. I was sent a postcard. It was from a girl I know from Medical Lake who had ''the best week of her life'' at Malibu. Because of my giving to the very organization that changed my life years ago, I have been given the best gift...this post card. It's almost as though I was given the post card I had written so long ago.


I went from camper to leader to financial giver and I'm stoked to be able to say that I've been involved with YL in such ways that I've written, enabled others to write, and ultimately received  that meaningful post card.

What went around, came around.
Thank You, God.

dreaming dreams

"We do not want to merely “see” beauty–though, God knows, even that is bounty enough. We want something else which can hardly be put into words–to be united with the beauty we see, to pass into it, to receive it into ourselves, to bathe in it, to become part of it."

~C.S. Lewis

Bobby and I got the chance to spend this last weekend out at the Stitt's cabin for Tyler's birthday. One morning, while everyone else was still in deep slumber, I found myself wide awake and ready to get the day going. Unfortunately it was only 6:30am and I knew I had a good 2 hours before anyone else would be alive so I had to find something to occupy my brain. I chose to dream up some dreams. 

The Portland Marathon is a little less than 2 months away. Completing this race/run has been the one solid goal I've had since last winter and here I am, less than 60 days from the finish! This made me think about more goals and things I'd like to accomplish/see/experience in the upcoming months. I dreamed about Italy and how Bobby and I have always talked about going there someday. Because I have the opportunity to witness friends with their little ones, I know it would be best to get a trip like this out of the way before little ones of our own come along. Could this be done within the next 6-8 months? How awesome would that be?! Then my mind covered the idea of buying our first home. We've discussed a bit of a timeline and right now, we're hoping to find our home within the next year, possibly late spring-early summer of 2012. Ah...all those ideas from Etsy and Pinterest, Better Homes and Gardens and Martha Stewarts' Living magazines may finally be put to good use! Veggie garden...art room/office...a dog first and hopefully soon thereafter a little quarter asian of our own! ...oh to live the dream!

 Only about 20 minutes worth of dreaming passed when Bobby stirred...I promptly started attacking him with little pokes and "Hey, wakey wakey!" and, "I'm bored...WAKE UP!". He did...but we both just laid there. A few minutes of silence went by and still in my dreamy state I asked, "What are you thinking about?" hoping for an equally dreamy response.

"Stargate." he replies.

Sigh.... "You're such a nerd."

Later that evening I had an advisory board meeting at the Porch. Pastor Dave spoke of Haiti and his dreams for the people of the Porch to come together to support the small town of Godin either financially, prayerfully, physically or all three! If you've asked me lately what a prayer request of mine would be, it would have to do with Haiti. For the last few months, since Justin, pastor of Kaleo Church in Otis Orchards came to our church to speak about Haiti, I've been struck with the thought of being a hands-on person. I've always wanted to 'do a mission trip' but I've always been leery about big organizations and what seemed to me to be a temporary fix, or, band-aid for an area in need. The difference that I see with Dave and Justin and those involved in Godin is that the work being done is to aid in the building of a self-sufficient economy. There are many details to how this is being done and it seems to me that it's more of a "teach a man to fish" kind of thing rather than, "give a man a fish"...which I believe is the better way to go about things. Since 2002, Dave and Justin and a few of their buddies have built actual relationships with the people of Godin and I feel God has put it on my heart to be a part of that somehow. 

So as I laid down to bed that night, I revisited all the dreams I dreamed that day and it hit me that I could have a potentially life changing year coming up and I am super excited! For so long I've watched my friends go on trips, missions, excursions...build homes, businesses and families...and I'm excited and hopeful that our next year will prove fruitful in every way possible.